What is this feeling is it biting off more than I can chew so my jaw hurts so my eyes pool up with salt water and I drive down the road blank and staring and watch the road don’t forget to watch the road what is this what is this what is this.

I’m scared scared for him of him scared of my own desire scared of whorephobia homophobia every phobia scared of this claustrophobia isolation sensation scared I’ll wind up dead braindead spine snapped windpipe crushed. Scared of silence no more phone beeps no more messages scared of the darkness scared of the truth no the half-truth scared I am scared.

The weight of the world is crushing away his joy and I’m afraid of anger and maybe I don’t know how to hold space for it I don’t know what is safe and what isn’t maybe the other one was right maybe I don’t know how to deal with anger maybe the one before was right maybe my sunny optimism is sickening stupidity naivety what am I doing what am I thinking what is this Buddhist bullshit I cling to to surf the waves of suffering what is this what is it.

How do I explain this to someone anyone how do I separate the threads of stories how do I articulate my needs my fears my concerns how do I even start where do I start I don’t know how to start don’t know how to explain don’t know who can hold this darkness don’t know if I should hold this wonder if my light is foolish.

What are the warning signs and what are the answers and what if I’m stupid and what am I doing and God fuck I feel lonely and I don’t know where to put that like I act as if I’m so wide open to the world but perhaps it’s just an elaborate protective mechanism I expose so much and hide so much more.

What is this am I triggered is this hormones are these warnings what do I do what do I say what.

What the fuck am I doing. Maybe I don’t know a single thing.

Posted in: Journal

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